Were all for equality and making sure everyone is treated the same. Dont believe us? Then ask Pablo, our Mexican cleaner.

Every day for his services for removing coffee stains and rancid mustard from our desks, he receives a shiny coin or a slice of pie. People who have previously called us ‘cruel heartless bastards’ need their heads looked at.

Sometimes however, it is best to keep people away from things that they arent good at. In rare cases such as Jade Goody and Paris Hilton, simple minded people have slipped through the cracks and appeared on TV. Granted they entertain us, we will begrudgingly admit, but so many betters programmes could replace them.

When it comes to advertising vital items like car insurance, we tend to worry that this dumbing down may have gone a step too far. We get presented with a ’simple’ man, trying to flog us car insurance.

Look at the pathetic sod; he doesnt seem to know where he is or what hes doing. Hed buy some grass cuttings from you with the belief they’ll grow into a magical beanstalk, hes that retarded.

This begs the question: would you really buy something from him which probably offers both dinosaur insurance and asteroid cover?

No, we thought not.

Never let it be said that we of hecklerspray are ever anything but right all the time. ALL THE TIME*.

Just as we say, non-stop, that Hollywood has run out of ideas - reporting on the Goonies sequel, The Smurfs movie (Lindsay Lohan’s role as ‘Big Lesbian Smurf’ still unconfirmed) and the fear we all felt when the Friends movie was rumoured - they come and do it again. This time it’s the turn of Lethal Weapon 5, where they really, really will be too old for this shizzle.

Or they might be too drunk, who knows?

The rumours of a fourth film in the trilogy became a reality in 1998, with the imaginatively titled Lethal Weapon 4 showing most of us Jet Li for the first time - that bit where he dismantles the gun and the bit where he does a ridiculous kick over his head are easily the best ones.

Unlike these days when everything he makes involves him flying through trees with a bamboo cane up his arse for eight hours while the most basic of stories is made out to be the most thought-provoking and intelligent social commentary in a post-modern society to date.

He was good in Lethal Weapon 4 though. One of the few good things about it, actually.

But that’s not going to stop the gravy train now, is it? Oh no - your memories have to be purged for old ideas and your pleasant nostalgia for a series has to be used against you in order to make Lethal Weapon 5 a box office hit. Or at least a box office ‘we made our money back on it’.

The writer of the original Lethal Weapon, Shane Black, has apparently written a script for a new adventure for Riggs and Murtaugh. In one of the most unsurprising plots of all time, the movie will see Riggs, about to quit the force, pull Murtaugh out of retirement to solve one last case. Probably involving Johnny Foreigner somewhere along the way.

There are no definites yet, but Mel Gibson and Danny Glover are apparently in talks to reprise their roles. No word on Chris Rock though, thankfully.

Please don’t let him be in it again - it would be one step too far.

But the questions have to be asked - do you really want to go and watch Danny Glover shout “Riiiiiiiiiggggggggsssssss!” thirty-two times per minute at Mel Gibson? And do you want to see Mel Gibson hate the je… oops… we mean, do you want to see him fix his arm after he’s dislocated it again? Or do you want to see Joe Pesci being even older and even more annoying than ever before?

And does anyone want to see Chris Rock acting, at all, ever?

If the answer is yes to any of those questions, then watch the first two, half watch the third then only pay attention when Jet Li is on the fourth. There you go - satisfaction guaranteed.

No word on any kind of release date, but it can’t be too far in the future. Too old for this shit, and all that.

*Not all of the time. Hush down.

The DEA investigation into the death of Heath Ledger has been closed with a great deal of secrecy, confusion and ‘embarrassment’ all round.

Yes, it would seem that everyone involved in the investigation - which covered the whole of the US - can breathe a sigh of relief, as they will not have to present themselves in front of a grand jury. This includes one Mary-Kate Olsen, whose involvement with Ledger was something questions have been raised about for a number of months now.

Fortunately for the twin-billionaire, with the case being dropped she will no longer be forced to appear for any legal proceedings, nor will she have to keep up her claims for immunity.

The collective eyebrow of the world probably isn’t quite as raised any more.

Reports on TMZ have highlighted the amount of confusion and ridiculousness in what they call a ‘power grab’ by the DEA. Heath Ledger’s death was something that should have been investigated by the NYPD, in many people’s views, and there was no reason for the feds to get involved in the whole thing.

Basically because it was ruled an accidental death and there was no criminal element linked to the proceedings. Which, y’know, is pretty much necessary for the federales to get involved, normally. What with that being their job description and all - not hassling people because someone accidentally killed themselves.

This does mean that we may never get to see Mary-Kate Olsen doing her best to look like she’s capable of functioning in the real world, as she explains her case to a grand jury and tries not to look as rough as a badger’s arse. Which would all surely come as huge challenges to her.

It’s a shame, as that would have made for some interesting reading, as well as actually letting us know whether the one half of a child from Full House did have anything to do with Ledger’s death.

It would also mean we would know where we stood legally, and wouldn’t have to avoid baseless accusations. Stupid laws…

No, we will simply have to put up with the Olsen’s book, possibly watching as Mary-Kate decides to add a new chapter at the end, telling all about her experiences with the feds. Obviously Ashley would have to put something in there as well for the sake of twinly balance, so she could talk about what it was like to get all jiggy and stuff with a cyclist.

Though anyone that wanted to read that part would have to be clinically insane, downright sick or probably blind. A combination of all three would definitely be a benefit.

Wait - we had a point somewhere… oh yes!

So the Drug Enforcement Administration’s seemingly frivolous investigation into the death of The Dark Knight star Heath Ledger has been dropped, with one reason given being:

“Because they don’t believe there’s a viable target.”

Which is, well - a pretty good reason to stop an investigation, if we’re honest here. We may never know if there was a third party that contributed willingly or unwillingly to the death of Heath Ledger, but at least this strange investigation can be forgotten about and the man can be left alone.

At least until they launch a new investigation, of course.

Tremors was excellent - everyone knows that.

As was Dune - well, the game at least. Well, Dune II at any rate. Basically, things with giant subterranean worms in them are great, though usually because you get to see Kevin Bacon stoving their heads in over a couple of hours.

But what would it be like to actually be one of these underground annelids? Death Worm aims to answer that question, along with ones like ‘how many camels could I eat in one jump if I were one of these worms?’ and ‘how much forward momentum is necessary to eat that stupid bird flying around up there?’ or the ever-popular ‘could I really take down that helicopter?’

Yes, you get to be a giant worm. You get to scramble around underground and fly out of the surface, eating those overland-dwelling scummers that we all hate so much. Do enough damage, armed enemies come along. Survive, eat, throw yourself in the air using your momentum - it’s all fantastic fun and well worth wasting some time on.

The game can be played online or can be downloaded to play it later if you like.

Play Death Worm Here:
Death Worm

Morgan Freeman has been struck by the evil curse of The Dark Knight yet again.

So we may have been a little sceptical about the whole ‘curse’ thing ever since the term started getting bandied around, but on this evidence it’s hard not to think that maybe, just maybe there are nefarious forces at work. Just days after having a serious car accident, Morgan Freeman and his wife of 24 years are to get a divorce.

According to a friend of Freeman, the divorce had been in the works for a while before the accident even occurred - so don’t go accusing Morgan of having a relationship with Demaris Meyer, the passenger in his car during the accident, that was anything beyond platonic friendship.

We thought about it - purely for comedy effect, of course - but libel is too big a word.

No, this is something that has been around for quite a while in the world of Morgan Freeman and his soon-to-be-ex wife Myrna Colley-Lee, who have been separated since December of 2007. So fortunately it does look like it may well be the work of our old friend coincindence and circumstance - or ‘real life’ as it’s sometimes called - and not the frankly ridiculous notion of a curse on a film Morgan starred in.

While he may have known it was coming for a while, it still can’t be good for the old man, who was hospitalised with a broken arm, a broken elbow and neck injuries, and had to undergo an operation to make sure things healed up properly. Sitting, recouperating in hospital and seeing the news splashed all over can’t be a good feeling - so hey, Morgan, if you’re reading - we’ll try and cheer you up!

Isn’t it strange how utterly awful the film Evan Almighty was?

No, that’s not going to work…

Hey - the narration on March of the Penguins was utter balls compared to David Attenborough’s!

Ah, he wouldn’t like that either…

Ah, screw it. Hecklerspray isn’t the greatest medicine for aching bones, we can admit that much.

But it’s not all bad for Morgan Freeman - as his friend and business partner Bill Luckett told the press:

“The doctors have said it will be six months to a year before he plays golf again.”

So… hmm… at least that means he won’t have to play golf again for a while. That could be considered a good thing, if you don’t like golf. What do you mean Luckett said more?

“He hates that.”

Ah.

So you’ve starred in one of the biggest movies of all time, but have seen a co-worker die, another arrested for allegedly threatening his family then you yourself have been in a serious car accident requiring surgery, and it’s become public knowledge that you’re getting a divorce.

At least… people like your freckles? Sorry Morgan, we just can’t do this cheering you up thing - it’s too hard.